Then And Now And The Heartbreak Inbetween

Baby Hughes

Every single day… I look at both of my little boys… and I can’t believe how lucky we have been.  James and I have two amazing, smart, healthy and fun little boys, that are ours for forever.  We aren’t going to have any more children, and as I mentioned before, there is such a lovely feeling comes from knowing you are finished and that your family is complete.

Our amazing little family didn’t come easily though.

When Ollie had turned 1, James and I started talking about adding to our family and we started trying for baby number 2 in the August.  We fell pregnant very fast with Ollie and expected the same the second time around.

We were ecstatic when we found out, just a couple of months later, that we were pregnant and the baby was due to arrive a couple of days after Ollie turned 2.  How perfectly timed.  A two year age gap sounded wonderful and we were excited for Ollie to have a sibling.

Unfortunately I started bleeding at 8 weeks.  We went to the hospital to find that the baby was only measuring 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat present.  They could not confirm whether I was miscarrying and booked me in for another scan a week later to see if there was any growth.  James and I spent a horrendous week in limbo drifting between hope and heartache.  The waiting was so painful.

At the second scan the Dr. told us it was bad news, but at the same time told us that because of a minuscule size difference than the week before, they could not legally advise me of my options.  They told me to come back in another week.  The sonographer who performed the (internal) scan was a little rough and I had a feeling she had prompted things to happen naturally.

I lost the baby 3 days later on Sunday, 8th November, 2009 at 9pm.  Losing the baby was the most terrifying thing to happen in my life.  It seemed like hours but was in fact less than 20 minutes.  Then it was over.  I arranged a scan for Monday morning, but I knew they would confirm that the pregnancy was over and the miscarriage was finished.

We were broken hearted.  I swore I never wanted to try again.  I couldn’t understand why it was happening to us… you don’t imagine bad things happening to you and when they do it’s a shock.

A few days later, I was adamant that I DID in fact, want to try again.  It felt like, if we didn’t try again and we didn’t get our wish of having another baby, that the devastating experience we had been through would have been in vain.

James and I started trying again.  After falling pregnant twice, rather fast… it came as a surprise when it took more than a year to fall pregnant for the third time.  I couldn’t get my head around why it was taking so long and worried that maybe there was something wrong and maybe we would never have another child.

We found out we were pregnant after Christmas, after trying for about 15 months.  I couldn’t believe our luck.  It was such a relief knowing that we could in fact get pregnant and we were again, excited.  Our joy was short lived as one week into the pregnancy my symptoms disappeared and I took a pregnancy test which came up negative.  Just a week before I had had symptoms and a positive test… what had happened in between?

I lost the baby a week later.  My heart broke for a second time.

I went for tests at my Dr. to first of find out if everything was working ok and she referred us to the fertility clinic at the hospital.  The appointment was made to rule out any problems there might be, why it had taken more than a year to fall pregnant and to question why I had miscarried twice.

The appointment date came through for April, blood was taken, questions were asked… and a followup appointment was made for August.  We didn’t need the followup appointment…


At the end of April something must have clicked because I found out a week and a half into May that we were pregnant for the 4th time.

This time, nothing went wrong… I was on tenter hooks the whole pregnancy but that’s exactly what I got… a WHOLE pregnancy and a baby boy, born on 18th January 2012.

I think back to my original thoughts after the first miscarriage, 3 1/2 years ago, thoughts about never wanting to try again… and can’t imagine what life would be like if we hadn’t continued trying… we wouldn’t be this family!  We wouldn’t have a home filled with the love and laughter of 2 little boys.  I feel crazy lucky to be called mum, mummy and mama by two handsome mini gentlemen.


7 thoughts on “Then And Now And The Heartbreak Inbetween

  1. Crystal says:

    I found your story through Kelly’s Korner. WOW! It is an inspiration. We have one child (took two years to get him here) and we are trying for a 2nd…I am two miscarriages in. This gives me hope to not stop trying! Thank you for your story.


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