I don’t like to talk about what I am afraid of, because then it gets stuck in my head and I keep going round and round in circles thinking about it. I’ve thought about it so much on occasion that I’ve become really panicky and nauseous.
I’m afraid of dying.
I hate thinking about it. It scares the crap out of me. It’s the whole “What happens?” “How on earth can a person just not BE anymore”… it’s hard to explain.
It’s such an irrational fear… I mean, there is nothing I can do about it! It’s going to happen of course… it just makes me feel claustrophobic and nauseous and scared. I do think about it too much. It crosses my mind almost every day. I’m pretty sure I am going to need counselling or some sort of therapy eventually to help me calm down and accept it for what it is. Either that, or as I get older I am hoping the fear will just lessen!
I also have a huge fear of my boys getting sick, like very sick… or something happening to them. I don’t like to talk about that though.
The only other thing I am REALLY afraid of is spiders. Always have been. It wasn’t until we moved into the house we are in now, that I saw the second biggest spider of my life. Literally inches long and frickin HAIRY. That’s because we live next to a forest. I ask James to kill any spiders I see, but he won’t. He just puts them outside on the lawn….(and of course they just walk back in like they own the place!). I’m not as bad as I used to be though. If I see a teeny tiny one I will squash it with my hand etc. The thought of big ones terrifies me though.
The biggest spider I ever saw was when I was in Virginia, US as an Au Pair. I was sat on the balcony one night looking out the window when something caught my eye… it was moving. Upon closer inspection I noticed that it was a MASSIVE spider twisting a baby mouse in it’s web. Turning it round and around. The spider was the size of a childs fist. As soon as I noticed what it was I ran away to throw up. Bleugh.